It’s okay to be selfish…

I know, I know just reading the title of this entry is making some of you uncomfortable.  I get it.  We aren’t raised to put our needs first.  We have such a difficult time accepting the fact that we matter.  Life is about doing for others, making sure everyone else is okay and then maybe if the stars align and everyone falls asleep at a decent hour you might be able to have a moment of silence and calm…sound familiar?

The funny thing about care taking is that we, as caretakers, rarely think about keeping ourselves happy, healthy and renewed.  Yet the thought of driving your car on a road trip without a full tank of gas or having a dinner party without groceries in your house wouldn’t cross your mind.  You are a vessel through which hope, energy and potential flow.  If YOU are not energized, replenished and fulfilled the support that you give and the energy you expend can be exhausting and even harmful to your health.  You are no good to yourself or anyone else if you are not 100%.  Most of us run on 50% or less, just getting through each day or going through the motions.  Does this remind you on anyone?

The good news is that it doesn’t have to be like this.  YOU have control, even when it feels like you don’t.  There are little things and big things you can do to increase your self-care.  I will be examining a number of strategies of self-care in the coming entries but for now I encourage you to read this article on broad areas you might begin to look at in terms of taking care of yourself for the greater good

I never thought I’d do that

I love talking to new, first time parents.  It makes me smile.  They are so full of hope and dreams. both for their child and their family in general.  Oh how I remember that optimism.  Listening to everyone tell you how your little bundle of joy was so cute, so precious.  Thinking to yourself, well, of course, he/she is the most beautiful child ever…DUH!!  First time parents are so idealistic, positive about the future and, well, delusional in most cases.  Don’t get me wrong, I was one of them.  I get it.  I guess more clueless than delusional.

We all started out with THE LIST.  Things that other people did or didn’t do that we were NEVER, EVER going to repeat.  Whether it’s eating only organic, whole foods or cloth versus disposable diapers, we all had clearly defined, before the child is born, lines in the sand.  Some of these things were because it was the best choice for our family at the time, for example bottle versus breast feeding.  Some choices were because of horror stories we read or had been told about, think natural child birth versus medical intervention.  The only real line in the sand my husband and I had was the baby was never, ever sleeping with us.  Even as I type this, it makes me smile thinking how adamant we were.  It was non-negotiable.  And then our daughter was born.
This is an aside for all the moms out there…Motherhood does something to our brains, doesn’t it? And first time moms are a creature onto themselves, right? I remember thinking I had the power to will my child to do anything, after all we had this innate bond from spending the last 10 months together, literally. She would know what I needed and I would know how to meet her needs. HAHAHA!!! See, delusional. My daughter was so easy in the beginning, it just reinforced the belief that I had that we were so in sync. And then it began…
I truly believe that new parents don’t always notice the little things. Subtle changes that, while not important on their own, may be clues to a larger concern. But I also think there are so many things you just don’t know to look for and so many cool, exciting things happening that it truly isn’t anyone’s fault.  You just want to revel in all the new and adorable things your bundle of joy is doing.  Or your so exhausted you wouldn’t recognize trouble if it ran you over.

This brings me to the topic of sleep.  How you sleep once you have a baby in the house.  How you get your baby to sleep or you don’t.  and probably the most critical of all, what will you resort to to get one or both of them to happen.  The most important thing to remember through it all, in my opinion, is that someone will always, always tell you you’re wrong.  Once you accept that fact or better yet go into it knowing this, every decision and choice becomes less traumatic.

Now, I’m not going to advocate for any method over another.  I believe that each family needs to figure out what works for them, critics be damned.  You also need to at least be open to the fact that each child is going to have his or her own way of doing things, regardless of what all the wonderful parenting books tell you…the baby really is in charge to a certain point.  From a psychological standpoint, by “training” a baby to be on your schedule, you condition them not to trust their own body/needs.  Setting the stage for obesity, anxiety, depression and a myriad of physical ailments as well.  Yeah, we can screw them up that early.

As I have said before, my husband and I were adamant about “no baby in our bed”.  However, that was before RSV, sensory issues (which weren’t even a viable diagnosis where we lived) and having a child who did not sleep more than 2 hours every three nights.  Sleep deprivation really is torture and can lead you to take drastic measures.  Never say never…

Home again, home again…

My daughter always loved nursery rhymes.  Let me clarify that, my daughter loved nursery rhymes because they were catchy and she could perseverate on them.  At first, family and friends thought it was so cute when she would incessantly say the same word over and over.  Think record player stuck on a scratch, for those of you old enough to remember record players.  As new parents, not knowing anything about “normal” child behavior we would drag her out at get togethers and have her do her little act to the claps and laughter of all…Yeah, instead of singing bad words or dancing like most little kids, we were entertained by her undiagnosed ASD behaviors.  Bad mommy, bad, bad mommy.

Like most of you reading this I have had parenting moments I am not proud of because I consciously made a choice to act in an inappropriate way.  I am at a point in this journey where I have learned to separate what was a conscious choice and what we did to either survive or out of ignorance.  I try to work on the first set and let the guilt from the survival/ignorance choices go.  As parents, especially mothers, we get enough guilt from everyone else.  We don’t need to self-impose it.

Recently, in the last year or two, I have begun taking mommy breaks.  Granted my daughter is 15 and more independent now and perhaps that had a lot to do with it.  But it took a LONG time for ME to be okay with going away from my husband and child.  It also took a great deal of internal fortitude to not listen to all the haters who judged me as “selfish”, a “bad mom, wife, woman” for admitting I needed a break.  Contrary to what society promotes and culture reinforces, we are not meant to be superwomen (or supermen).  Periodic breaks to recenter, evaluate and recharge are not only important to be the best we can be, I believe they are essential for you to have a good relationship with yourself.  Who can love you if you can’t love yourself?

 

Reality gets in the way

Once again another sign that I am exactly like you, life got in the way of posting daily like I would like.  The struggle is real to find enough hours in each day and I am affected just as you are.  But rather than feel guilty about what I perceive a failure, I am consciously choosing to accept I continue to grow into this process and will take each day as it comes.  WHEW!!!  Just writing that makes me nervous.  What will people think if I am not superwoman?  How can I possibly be effective if I can’t reach the unrealistic bar I set for myself?  See, not so different.

Okay, since it has been a couple days, I have a few pieces of useful (I hope) information for you.  One of the biggest struggles I hear from parents of children on the spectrum, and I myself struggled with, is discipline.  Timeouts were the punishment of the day when my daughter was young and although they allowed me to get myself together when I was frustrated with her actions, they actually gave her exactly what she wanted isolation and not social demands.  So what could take the place of timeouts and taking away her electronics (I know, some of you just GASPED at the thought of doing something so cruel)?  Well, interestingly enough it’s exactly what WE, as adults, want when we are behaving badly…someone to listen.  There is research supporting schools can be more effective using it as well.  Now to convince them the extra time and energy is for the greater good…

Another interesting article I came across in the past few days talked about panic attacks, which if you start listening to your child’s concerns, you may start having yourself:)   Anyone who suffers from panic attacks knows that they can be debilitating.  Anyone who has never had a panic attack generally believe they are exaggerated, hysterical reactions to normal, everyday life.   You can’t explain them to someone who hasn’t had one any more than you could explain a heart attack to someone who hasn’t had one.  They are very individualized and can often be situation specific.  Ironically, it is something we can share and empathize with  our kids about.  Anxiety and ASD’s often times go hand in hand.

As I continue to navigate the waters in the ocean of Autism, I often tell people if I had one wish it would be to spend a day inside my daughter’s mind and body.  To understand better what it is like to live in her body, think about the world as she does and to be so utterly perplexed by everyday interactions.   I came across this letter written to parents from a girl with autism and although it failed to answer a lot of the BIG questions, it somehow gave me comfort,  It made me look back and smile at reactions I had, more towards others than my daughter, when she had had a meltdown in public.  Others still irritate me a lot more by their reaction, than her meltdowns ever do.  There are times when i don’t what to be the Autism educator.  There are times I just want to be a mom who would like people not to stare but maybe offer to help.  I want people to be more considerate and mindful.  I want a lot.