It’s okay to be selfish…

I know, I know just reading the title of this entry is making some of you uncomfortable.  I get it.  We aren’t raised to put our needs first.  We have such a difficult time accepting the fact that we matter.  Life is about doing for others, making sure everyone else is okay and then maybe if the stars align and everyone falls asleep at a decent hour you might be able to have a moment of silence and calm…sound familiar?

The funny thing about care taking is that we, as caretakers, rarely think about keeping ourselves happy, healthy and renewed.  Yet the thought of driving your car on a road trip without a full tank of gas or having a dinner party without groceries in your house wouldn’t cross your mind.  You are a vessel through which hope, energy and potential flow.  If YOU are not energized, replenished and fulfilled the support that you give and the energy you expend can be exhausting and even harmful to your health.  You are no good to yourself or anyone else if you are not 100%.  Most of us run on 50% or less, just getting through each day or going through the motions.  Does this remind you on anyone?

The good news is that it doesn’t have to be like this.  YOU have control, even when it feels like you don’t.  There are little things and big things you can do to increase your self-care.  I will be examining a number of strategies of self-care in the coming entries but for now I encourage you to read this article on broad areas you might begin to look at in terms of taking care of yourself for the greater good

Not before my coffee

There are few certainties in life when you have a child with any type of challenge. Physical, mental or developmental, it really doesn’t matter. You have to be able to be flexible, patient and often times think outside the box to solve problems never addressed in parenting books. To be able to do this effectively and efficiently, I have found I need a few basic things…
First, I need a minimum of 5 hours of semi-uninterrupted sleep. Parents who have children who don’t or can’t sleep know why I say semi-uninterrupted. Once you have a night owl, you get really good at tucking a child back in, changing a pull-up and, God forbid, throwing a child over your hip and into your bed (more on that later) without ever opening your eyes. Sleeping soundly with no interruptions became so foreign in my world that on the random night it did happen I generally woke up in a panic about 3 am and sprinted to my daughter’s room to make sure she was breathing. Then I was SO full of adrenaline the rest of the night was a wash.
The second thing I need is ten minutes to take a shower, alone. No door knocking, no whining, no flushing of the toilet. TEN MINUTES. Some days I get it, some days I don’t. My co-workers can tell the difference.
Third, and lastly, no deep conversations or questions before my first cup of coffee. Funny, my husband learned this rule faster than either of the others…go figure :-). My daughter, however, still struggles with this one because when she wants to know something or tell you what she just discovered, she wants to do it NOW, coffee be damned.
Yesterdays pre-coffee conversation started with the question, “Mom, did you know the Jewish religion comes from Israel?” Let me just say we are neither Jewish nor very religious in general, so no idea where this came from or where it was going…
I gave my usual, pre-coffee response, “uh-hmm”, enough to acknowledge but not asking for more. But there was more, there is always more. “Mom, Jewish people where these little hats on their heads when they go to services and the building is called a temple. Did you know that, Mom?”
Now, this is a slippery slope question, as all parents with perseverating children know. Of course I knew but if I said that, it would have started a lengthy discussion about the Jewish religion and heritage. I am very pro cultural awareness but NOT BEFORE MY FIRST CUP OF COFFEE!! So as I lied to my child, telling her I didn’t know that and poured that first cup of liquid gold, I also silently curse my school district for not having school year round!!
We have tried to encourage our daughter to look her questions up on the computer for two very specific reasons. First, generally what she asks is not an area of expertise for myself or my husband. Quite frankly the questions, although well thought out and clear, are not usually related to anything other than random thoughts in her head. We have been asked about what the hottest fire in the world has ever been, can people who die hear us and why does her favorite show have to have repeats in the summer, all in one day.

The second reason is that summer vacation is so difficult for all of us.  By focusing her thinking, energy and time on some cerebral task, much like school does, we help her ease her own anxiety.  The unintended consequence is that she expands her knowledge base on obscure, untypical teenage information and usually comes up with bigger, more complicated questions.

Next time I will get into co-sleeping, just don’t have the energy after realizing my kid is smarter than I was at her age…

Home again, home again…

My daughter always loved nursery rhymes.  Let me clarify that, my daughter loved nursery rhymes because they were catchy and she could perseverate on them.  At first, family and friends thought it was so cute when she would incessantly say the same word over and over.  Think record player stuck on a scratch, for those of you old enough to remember record players.  As new parents, not knowing anything about “normal” child behavior we would drag her out at get togethers and have her do her little act to the claps and laughter of all…Yeah, instead of singing bad words or dancing like most little kids, we were entertained by her undiagnosed ASD behaviors.  Bad mommy, bad, bad mommy.

Like most of you reading this I have had parenting moments I am not proud of because I consciously made a choice to act in an inappropriate way.  I am at a point in this journey where I have learned to separate what was a conscious choice and what we did to either survive or out of ignorance.  I try to work on the first set and let the guilt from the survival/ignorance choices go.  As parents, especially mothers, we get enough guilt from everyone else.  We don’t need to self-impose it.

Recently, in the last year or two, I have begun taking mommy breaks.  Granted my daughter is 15 and more independent now and perhaps that had a lot to do with it.  But it took a LONG time for ME to be okay with going away from my husband and child.  It also took a great deal of internal fortitude to not listen to all the haters who judged me as “selfish”, a “bad mom, wife, woman” for admitting I needed a break.  Contrary to what society promotes and culture reinforces, we are not meant to be superwomen (or supermen).  Periodic breaks to recenter, evaluate and recharge are not only important to be the best we can be, I believe they are essential for you to have a good relationship with yourself.  Who can love you if you can’t love yourself?